Welcome, Who Born Dead Through Your Own Arse, Welcome...

...Curses!

2011-10-09T19:36:00.002+01:00

I find myself very unwilling to go out these days. This is due to the fact that where I am, there are literally only pubs and clubs. It's...boring. There's nothing else to do bar going out to eat, or see a film, and even then, the cinema is horrible. Things get released and then disappear a week later usually. There's very little arcades these days due to the prevalance of home consoles. And while pubs aren't bad, it's an issue when they're filled with lots of pissheads who need to have aggresive shouting matches and a stupid fight.

I dunno what the point of this post is, bar pointing out there's next to nothing to do out there these days, and sadly, I'm sick of spending my time indoors, despite my collection of things.

What A Charming Fellow!

2011-10-09T08:24:00.002+01:00

This is Ed Alleyne-Johnson, perhaps best known for providing violin for New Model Army on particular records, after they discovered him busking and liked the cut of his gib. He's since gone on to release solo albums,and here he is, from 2008, still busking. Think what you may of that, but I tell you, if we had more buskers like him, and less of the aggravating little shits wearing smeghead clothing and thinking that adapted versions of pop songs and indie music (filling a set list of 10 songs you hear everyday from them) is awesome, we'd all be a lot happier shopping in the high street.*
Feel free to walk away from the actual video, someone spliced their holiday vids of Chester in as well. Unless Chester turns you on.

* I'd also be a lot happier if the high street had some decent shops instead of perfume, jewellery and chic clothing stores.

I Was There At The Front For This. Matt Barlow's Last Performance With Iced Earth

2011-09-26T21:20:00.003+01:00

Bloody great set.

Farewell Matt!

I Know They're Obsolete, A Hunk Of Junk And Far Too Costly To Get Here...

2011-09-26T17:37:00.001+01:00

...but I want one. I want one bad. I WANT A BLOODY SEGA NOMAD!

I Really Can't Stand Gaming Elitism

2011-09-16T23:24:00.002+01:00

I really, really can't. I went onto the Gears Of War website to see if this extra XP will last up until midnight of Monday or something, and looked at the news about the upcoming social pass. Then I looked at the comments.

Oh dear me.

I'd say at the veryleast, 50% of the comments were people saying "Gears sucks, COD is better, LOL AT YOU" except with more horrific spelling, and Gears fans retaliating. Why? I mean, I personally don't like COD, but I'm not actually going to go out of my way to call my mates who do like it gay. I've tried it, wasn't for me, it is for them, end of. Or at least it should be.

It seems like even PC gamers can't help but join in, entering their wangs into the Biggest Dick Contest with the 360 and PS3 owners. Case in point; I went online to see if there was any news at all Bioware were considering doing a console version of The Old Republic. I really want to play that game, but I really don't think I can be bothered (or afford) to get a proper PC, the game and subscribe - if it comes out on a console I'll be on it.

The Old Republic forums on the Bioware website were a port of call - you never know who responds to what. Sadly, just like trying to get all the incriminating evidence from murdering your wife, you've got to go shifting through pig shit. One person simply asked if anyone had any news on a console version. Cue PC elitists saying "Consoles suck, PCs rule" , and even comments along the lines of "Lol, you have a console because you're poor, I can afford to play good games on a better machine." Come on. Why does that particular angle on money have to come into it...

Along came one person who said "I'm a PC gamer, I'm getting TOR, and I think people who own/can only afford consoles should be able to play it too. Here's how it could work." This person made a long and really interesting discussion, one with really made you think it might just actually work. The direct replies to him were just things like "Lol no way consoles suck."

Does it really have to be this way? Why can't we just enjoy games anymore?

When my friend who is a big PS3 nut said he really wished he could play Gears Of War, I didn't lord it over him - I got him round my gaff, got the beers in and we smashed through the campaigns of the first two games in the weekend. When I said to another friend I really wanted to play Metal Gear Solid 4, the big softie lent me his PS3 for the week so I could rag it. for me, that's the spirit of enjoying gaming - enjoying games so much you spread the word and give others the chance to have a go at things they might not usually be able to have a go at.

Anyway, this rant probably came out far less intelligent than I hoped it would be. I'm going to go troll some message boards to infuriate some COD players. Hah.

I'm Surprised This Hasn't ACTUALLY Happened...

2011-09-15T21:48:00.001+01:00

A Very Bad Man - Or Why You Can't Fucking Trust Robocop (Especially When He Gets In Through The TV)

2011-09-13T21:16:00.001+01:00

Captain America - How It Should Have Ended?

2011-09-13T20:25:00.000+01:00

The Secret Behind Obi Wan's New Call In ANH

2011-09-13T18:48:00.000+01:00

Thoughts On Dead Island (Buggery)

2011-09-12T20:25:00.002+01:00

STOP BLOODY FREEZING!

OR BEING BUGGY!

It's not a bad game at all - I was expecting more zombies...and the fast ones can be an absolute taint if there's more than one...but I'm happy with that. What I'm not happy with is having to restart my Xbox several times because the damn thing freezes!

Apart from that, it's a good time killer. Apart from when it kills your time, enjoyment and Xbox.

Typical British Humour...

2011-09-12T20:18:00.002+01:00

...and that's why I love it. This has been in my head for far longer than is probably healthy now.

George C Scott Laments The New Star Wars Changes On Blu Ray

2011-09-11T22:46:00.002+01:00

Can someone show George Lucas this and tell him this is what we all do the second we discover the latest "improvements" to Star Wars?

"New 52" Justice League

2011-09-11T22:29:00.006+01:00

So I got this last week, and I've read it a couple of times, and I have to say - it doesn't give me hope. At all. The whole thing is essentially just Batman and Green Lantern arguing, Cyborg having some daddy issues and Superman punching first and asking who wants a ruck later. They've really got to do something to erase the stink of this issue over the next few, otherwise it's coming off the reading list.

Also, they said the new Justice League is supposed to be in the early days of the DC Universe, hence why Superman looks so young. But seriously, if that's the case, why does the Superman in Action Comics (supposed to be Superman's first days) look so much older?

Justice League

Action Comics

It's probably just Jim Lee's art, and the fact the Action Comics Superman looks like he does weights more. But to me, Superman definitely looks even just a little older, and should give the JL Superman a spanking. Not that I've dreamed of that...

As If You Haven't Seen This A Million Times Already.

2011-04-13T19:32:00.001+01:00

But there's always room for one more viewing.

Back Issues - The Red Star (Image Series)

2011-04-12T08:41:00.008+01:00

A little while ago I picked up all the issues of the initial Image run of The Red Star, due to hearing lots of priase for it over many years. However, this past weekend I finally got around to sitting down and reading it, and by Brian Blessed's beard, I wish I'd done it sooner. This comic is a prime example of how comics can be good without being all tights and capes like Marvel and DC.

The Red Star is a sci-fi/fantasy story set in a world where Russia was once the dominant super power in the world, and the tale of the battle that proved to be their downfall - the battle of Kar Dathra's Gate, provides a great introduction to this world. Told through the eyes of Maya, a war widow who lost her husband in the conflict, it really hits home (despite its sci-fi/fantasy setting) just how much war can tear apart people's lives. As the story progresses, further elements are added, highlighting other issues of war; children as soldiers, the loss of innocence, sacrifice, all things which, in the right hands, can strike a chord with the hardest of hearts. Bradley Kayl's writing is both informative and touching, at times you feel like you're reading a historical text, and then suddenly without realising you've switched to the intimate diary of someone still living through that war.

The art is truly amazing, in a medium that is abundant with the aforementioned tights and capes and the abundance of bright colours that come with it. The people at Team Red Star really managed to create something special, that can capture both the feeling and the mood.

All in all, if you're looking for something a little different to the usual stuff put out by the big two and even a little different to what some of the other companies put out, then hunt around for The Red Star. There's the trades, or if you're like me and love owning the individual issues, you can have a hunt around and see how much you can get them for (trades and issues available from the website www.theredstar.com).

Note; this post would have been longer and will be edited, but I'm currently working on a laptop that overheats the second you go onto more than two webpages. This is all Richard's fault!

Relics Save The Future! From Boredom!

2011-04-11T22:24:00.003+01:00

In my room, I have a grey box sitting there in amongst the Xbox 360, the PS3 and all the technical marvels of the modern day. And I love this little box. It's the Dreamcast, the final tangible sign of Sega's failing console attempts. Yeah, it failed so hard it's generally spoken about derisively by Nintendo fanboys who love to write fan fiction detailing Sonic becoming Mario's personal tunnel of fudge love (well, maybe, I don't actually know), but damn the thing has some good games. And right now, it could quite possibly be the best retro console you can get your hands on.

This comes from two main factors - one, the fact that you can pretty much get the console, leads, and at least one controller and memory unit for quite cheap (Got mine for about £22 on eBay...from a man who lived round the corner from me...), plus you can often find consoles with a game or two. The other factor is this - you can get a whopping game library for the price of a large batch of CD-R's. Yes, I am talking about piracy, but think about it - Sega aren't profiting from you buying a Dreamcast game, and in this age of being forced to cut back on certain luxuries, for the price of a brand new release on one of the current consoles, you can essentially get every game released on Sega's console swansong.

And there are some brilliant games on there, some still look great to this day. Soul Calibur, Shenmue, Taxi Driver (and you'll still get the original version, not the edited version on XBLA), Street Fighter III 3rd Strike, Resident Evil 2, 3 and Code Veronica, Marvel Versus Capcom 1 and 2, Power Stone, the list goes on and on. A massive benefit is being able to play games that were only released in certain regions - for example, I managed to get The Last Blade 2; Heart Of The Samurai, never released in Europe. This won't help you with JRPG's if you've no idea how to read Japanese, but it's damn good for other games. Even games that would be expensive secondhand, like SFIII 3rd Strike, the price of a CD-R and a bit of your time, it's yours. If you really don't care that much about so called "next-gen" graphics or online gaming (I know some people practically swear by it, and getting the Dreamcast going could be some serious hassle), then honestly, do yourself a favour and get yourself a Dreamcast, and start experiencing all this wonderful console had to offer. You might be surprised.

Or you could just, you know, cry into your 34th month of eating beans on toast and using your underpants to clean the dishes because you just had to have Call Of Duty; Let's Got To Bloody War Again and Super Street Fighter VI Hyper Armageddon Vengeance 3D Remix on the day of release.

I Think I've Developed Something For Sinister Old Men...

2011-02-15T08:35:00.002Z

No, really. I seem to be worryingly obsessed with Palpatine. I keep talking in his voice, I keep going back to the parts were he seduces Anakin (ooh-err!) in the Revenge Of The Sith novelisation, I fling black bed sheets over me while I'm doing my vocal impression, and the bugger has even been in my dreams. I had a dream he was trying to go out with my grandmother, and he was consistently doing his "nice person" routine, trying to win me over with those smooth sultry tones...which of course, led to me bellowing at him "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!" and throwing a roast potato at his head during dinner. He seemed really emotionally hurt that I'd done that. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was Ian McDiarmid. Who actually is a nice bloke.

OH GOD, I'M SORRY IAN MCDIARMID!!!

The Lack Of Limp Wristed Censorship Leads To Awesome Things...

2011-02-14T14:14:00.004Z

Case in point - this is the russian cover for the PC version of Resident Evil 3 - Nemesis.

How fucking awesome does that look? The Nemesis, crushing Jill's head in his hand....I'm not a bloodthirsty person, but damn...I'd flood the immediate area with my bowels if that was after me.

I Want This Action Figure!

2011-02-14T13:53:00.002Z

Seriously. Who never wanted these figures to complete their "A New Hope" collection?

If I Only Had Enough Money And Time To Mod...

2011-02-14T13:40:00.002Z

So, as I was sorting through yet more amounts of crap that take up the area that I inhabit, I came across my old Xbox, replaced by another I was wonderfully given for free once the previous owner got themselves a 360. The reason for the replacement, was that when the disc tray on the first one stopped working, I didn't know about the pin hole you can use to force the tray open - I ended up ripping the tray door off in an attempt to open up the damn thing. This was shortly followed by a drunken attempt to get the damn thing to work, which ended with me violently headbutting it. For anyone who ever wondered how ripping off the tray door and headbutting it would affect a console's performance, let me tell you;

To play any game, I would have to turn it upside down as this was the only way the disc would open. Then, you had to turn the thing back up, put the disc in (although you might as well put it in upside down, because you would have to) turn it back upside down holding the disc in place, then force the disc tray closed. And that was how you played a game. With the bloody thing upside down.

Now, I've still got this just knocking about, so I thought "Perhaps I could use the guts to fill something", you know, create a new case essentially, but what? I've seen the AT-AT Gamecube and the Millenium Falcon Xbox, but I want something different! Perhaps I could just hollow out my Micro Machines fold out Death Star, for something really spectacular. And ugly. And pointless.

Hmmm...

It's Been Far Too Long...

2011-02-11T08:34:00.003Z

...so much so that I now am nearly buried under a mountain of crap. In all honesty, I might as well just build my room around the things I buy. Recently I've gone on a mad one on the old retro gaming front, and now the console list has been bumped up a horrendous amount. The current list stands at;

*Sega Mega Drive (still a beauty after all these years!)

*Sega Saturn (arcade perfect ports of 2D fighters -what's not to love?)

*Sega Dreamcast (Bless the hacking community.)

*Game Boy Colour (Lime Green...I fought for that colour. Because the others were crap.)

*Nintendo Gamecube (out on loan...probably never to be seen again...)

*PS1 (you know. THAT console.)

*PS2 (stupid bloody good games that only came out on this...)

*PS3 (SHAAAAAAAAAAAUNNNN!!!!)

*PSP (Woefully underrated! Does the DS have Dissidia? I think not.)

*Xbox (this console was one of the best things to happen to me. Fact.)

*Xbox 360 (stupid RROD! Stupid favourite controller knackering! Good download games though.)

The only bastard with having all of these is, of course, where to put them. I wanted to keep them all together. Having a small squat TV stand means this is impossible (the Saturn has been relagated to the sidelines...), plus the amount of cables entangled round my stand makes the whole thign look a bit like a Giger piece in areas. Oh, the agony of being a collector of bulky things with lots of cables...you don't know the pain!

Perhaps I Am Somewhat Of A Gaming Whore...

2010-06-19T08:06:00.002+01:00

With my first paycheque from this legal accounting job, I went rediculously overboard on buying games, and whilst the second didn't yield as many, I still managed to bump up the amount of retail Xbox 360 games to 63. And as for arcade games, that's been bumped up to the lovely number of 32. Ah, electronic entertainment, how you encourage me to horde and abuse you. So, having tried my best to ram this games in amongst the other factors of my life, I was suprised to find that some of the games were actually fun. Games really seem to lack that these days, as it seems to be more about outdoing the opposition in terms of epicness. To the point where, it stops becoming epic, and just becomes bloody rediculous.

Blaz Blue - Calamity Trigger; this game is generally your bog standard fighting game, but I think I like it for the fact it feels like the old days where fighting games could be completely and utterly weird, and yet still fun to smack your mates around on. I generally play as Noel Vermillion (a female character called Noel. Only in Japan.), partly because she's fun to play as, but also because she generally seemed the most appealing. But some of the other characters...Taokaka, some..girl I think, who dresses in some weird cat costume and has a simle that reminds me of a paedo grin, is pretty weird. But that's nothing compared to Arakune. I only figured Arakune was male from reading the instruction manual (yes, I'm one of those). And Arakune...well, I'd be willing to say Arakune is Blaz Blue's answer to characters like Blanka and Voldo.

Aliens Versus Predator - this...is both enjoyable and disappointing. The marine is bloody fun to play as, but really, I should be swearing off the marine. How many times, in films, comics, novels and the like, have the marines, or any human characters come off worse against the Xenomorph or the Predators? And yet, in this game, the marine is like a bloody tank. But still, that's pretty damn fun, and I do like some of the touches, like the whole facehugger business. The alien...fucking difficult to control. And every bloody thing looks the sodding same! All dark and brown and filthy...if that's what I wanted to explore, I'd stick my head down the bowl of a London pub toilet. And the Predator? The Predator is fun, but the whole Predator segment is so fucking short! I've not completed it, but I've only spent an hour and a half playing it and I'm 59% complete! It's Aliens Versus Predator, not Aliens Versus The Other Species That Just Decided To Nip In To Make An Appearance To Be Polite And Then Sod Off Back Down The Pub.

And the other one I feel I can write about - Prototype. This is the game that made me remember the fun of gaming. Sure, the story is a little disjointed, and at times I was left wondering why I should care. But actually playing the game? That is bloody fun. Running around with what is essentially the combined powers of Wolverine and Ultimate Venom plus gliding, and not having the obligation to do anything but run around hacking up the army (and civillians, foolish bystanders!) and generally acting like a nutter? Sold! I think it's just the fact that I can just be a prick if I want to be, and sometimes, when you've had a shit day and want to play a game without being forced through bullshit, that's what counts over anything else.

Fucking Hell...

2010-06-19T07:43:00.003+01:00

It has been far, far too long! Too much stuff going on. Curse working in legal accounts and studying at the same time. Quite a bit has happened, most notably, as I said, getting a job working as a legal accountant and titting about with money, and studying English Literature. So far, the studying as mostly consisted of reading Frankenstein and Pride And Prejudice, and reading a lot of Romantic Era poetry. The poetry (or at least, the poems I had to study) can sod off.

Apart from that, the most things of note have been my furthering of my hording things - comics, figures, blu rays, dvds, games, random items of interest mainly only to me. Oh, and deleting Facebook, which it has to be said, is amazingly liberating.

I'll throw some entries in in regards to specific items after this. No point in throwing loads of stuff all in one area.

The First Post For A Very Long Time, And It's Bound to Be Boring.

2009-10-06T00:47:00.002+01:00

The reason for sucha long delay is due to my computer having a brain fart and deciding it would much rather just blow up and take up space in this ever increasingly small flat. You fucker, I have things that, while I may not need, are rather dear to me in that they stop me from going insane and let me live my geeky life without having to think about the inanity of the outside world, where people are more obsessed with poking their knobs into things that are hip or cool. Yes, yes, I know I sound just like the wonderful love child of an angst ridden teenager who hates popular kids and an old man who can't get their head into "new fangled" things and refuses to accept anything new, but I think I have justification. You see, when you love comics as much as I have and stuck with them even when people would call me childish for reading them, or taunt me for wearing a Spider-Man shirt, and then films like The Dark Knight and Watchmen come along and say "Hey, comic characters are the cool thing now!", you tend to get a little frustrated when every "cool" person starts waving their knobs around rathe rthan just poking them, and claiming to be comic fans when really, they just became fans and now devour everything they can, like some spotty twat who just discovered a band and downloaded all their discography in an attempt to look "like, totally awesome, yeah". I suppose I do have an extra special personal hatred towards some of them, when someone claimed that comics like Watchmen were for kids (shortly after saying they were envious because I went to the first showing in town), and also when someone who used to mock me for reading comics I spotted walking around in a Heath Ledger Joker shirt. Don't get me wrong, he did a decent job, but seriously. He was nothingto what I grew up with. As a child, I grew up with a Joker who shot and paralysed barbara Gordon, undresssed and took photos of her, and tormented a naked and bondaged Comissioner Gordon with the photos while some freaky midgets sort of prodded and guided him. Thanks to Alan Moore for The Killing Joke. And to the person who said the Joker in Arkham Asylum wasn't bad, but should have been based on Heath Ledger - you're on my list. It's for reasons such as this I've gone back to 2000 AD, and from what I've seen, I'm glad I did. It could be considered costly at £1.90 a weekly issue, but for a science fiction and fantasy comic mix, you really could do worse.

Oh, and while I'm on the subject (still, sort of...a bit) - Wolverine Origins - the first five minutes were okay, but I wanted to eat my eyes and defacate in the mouth of all involved. Thank sod Tyler Mane was spared from it. And don't get me started on Deadpool. Biggest crap all over a character since Venom in Spider-Man 3.

Other than that, everything's plodded along. My games collection has enhanced to over 130, which my seem impressive, but anyone who thinks that probably hasn't been to Japan. Any country that can make games that involve lifting up women's clothes with the word "Rape" in the title, well, you know theylove their games. Besides, it sounds more entertaining that The Sims. Admittedly, I could be accused of bolstering my collection with a second copy of Soul Calibur II, this time for the Gamecube, and with really uncessary things like...Soul Calibur - Broken Destiny (which only gets any truly good marks from me for being portable Soul Calibur), and "borrowing" (hoarding)games from friends like...Soul Blade (hmmm...I sense a sad, lonely fanboy pattern...).

I blame things like Xbox Live. Allowing me to download full games from the comfort of my bed within a minute of waking up, the fools!

Oh yes, and Resident Evil 5 - you officially have ruined my happy joy time of 2009 gaming, and it's up to Tekken 6 to bring it back. I queued up at eleven for the midnight opening, had pre ordered the special edition and once I got over the dazzling bright lights and loud gunfire noises I started hating you withing three days. Now, I can't even bare to look at you. You took one of my favourite game series and gave the family a retarded crack addict of a brother that only gets invited to Christmas because it's a family affair. You're lucky you didn't get traded in with Alone In The Dark.

The only other thign which runs through my head at this time, is the fact I wound up getting my OAP molester style hands on a Blu-Ray player. The collection is still in its infancy, with only Terminator 2, Watchmen, Escape From New York and First Blood I and II in it. Although it is marvellous seeing John Rambo's arse in high definition.

Oh, and the fanboy spunkfest over the announcement of American McGee's Alice II was so hard, the elastic snapped on my underwear and shot it across the room. When I discovered it was being released on consoles a second shot of thick hot wads smashed a window and blinded a passing fox

Decoded Kojima Announcement

2009-05-22T02:55:00.002+01:00

Me and Adam have just sat down and worked out the message in the announcement countdown.

See E3.

Tight gits.

Patrick McGoohan Dies At Age 80.

2009-01-14T22:21:00.003Z

Today was a sad day. I loved The Prisoner ever since I saw the first episode, and would have marathon viewings of the dvd boxset. I've never quite seen another actor like him. For the full story, here's the link;

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7829267.stm

I guess you finally escaped from the village. Rest In Peace Patrick McGoohan. Be Seeing You.

A Whole Bunch Of Resident Evil Youtubed Goodness!

2008-10-27T05:50:00.004Z

Okay, I only intended to have one RE video up here, but as happens too often, I look at one video on youtube and end up watching thirty. Anyway, the real reason I went onto youtube was this.

Does anyone else think that Capcom should release 'The Hooked Man' version of Resident Evil 4 to the public? Maybe finish it off a bit, and then release it as a non-canonical (because everyone knows how pissy purists and elitists can get!) game, perhaps an episodic game over XBLA and the Playstation Store?

And for anyone else who gives a toss, a trailer for the original version, dubbed the 'Fog Version'. I only just saw footage of this, and reminds me of when i first heard about Resident Evil 4, being elated that Leon was returning (this was BEFORE many people arse raped him - he was special! He was MINE!), but pissed that I wouldn't have the console to play it on, back when it was still Nintendo exclusive.

And apart from that, there's only one other thing I'm going to post here from Youtube. Calling all fans of beards, big guns and cheesy b-movie dialogue! EvilResidence has been working on (for some time I think, god knows if it's been completed, everyone knows about it and I'm a bloody idiot for being out of the loop) a mod for the PC Version of the first RE game, featuring none other than everyone's favourite, Jill Sandwich loving Barry Burton! It's about time someone did this, Barry's only ever been playable in the much despised RE: Gaiden, and I for one would have a raging orgasm over a fully playable and decent game featuring him.

Plus, credit to keeping much of the original dialogue. It was what made Barry, the hand cannon wielding loveable scamp we knew, loved, and laughed at.

Xbox Live Arcade...

2008-10-26T05:21:00.004Z

...you have so much promise! Yet you clutter yourself with shit!

Granted, XBLA has some very good stuff on there. It's got the first two Sonic games, Streets Of Rage 2, Soul Calibur, Street Fighter II Hyper Fighting, Golden Axe etc etc...but surely they could put more than one game a week on there? Not only that, but it is a rare occasion when I'm actually excited to some degree over the game released. I think the last one was Soul Calibur. I mean, where's the stuff like the other Sonic games, 3, S&K, Sonic Cd? And Knuckles' Chaotix? What about the first Shenmue game? If you released Soul Calibur, surely Shenmue can be released, and it's a guarenteed winner! And what about a few others to tie into upcoming games? For example, I'm pretty sure a lot of people would love to see the original Resident Evil on there considering number 5 is coming out on the 360.

And as for Xbox Originals, well...bit of a crap selection, and vastly overpriced. Why should I pay essentially £12.75 to get enough points to download Halo, with no extras or achievements at all, when I can just go into Gamestation and get it for £1.99, possibly even cheaper?

Sort it out Microsoft!

I Laughed At This.

2008-10-26T01:56:00.001+01:00

Although others may not. Either way...

The Best Tale Of Souls And Swords...

2008-10-12T18:36:00.004+01:00

The other week, me and my friend Mat (I happen to know several of them) were discussing videogames, which comprises at least 50% of our overall conversations. Once we'd got past the usual "Yeah, I was a Snes boy, but the Mega Drive did have some sick games on it" and me saying that no matter what, Mega Drive always captured my heart, we turned to Soul Calibur. I used to be exclusively Tekken until a) I got a Xbox and was unable to play them anymore, and b) I picked up a copy of Soul Calibur II. When I played that game, it was like someone read my mind for the perfect fighting game, weapons, great characters and an immensely compelling storyline. Mat will always love the first Soul Calibur, due to him having that on Dreamcast whilst everyone was on Tekken 3, and the fact it amazed everyone. I have to say, having downloaded it ten minutes after it was re-released on Xbox Live, it still holds up today better than many games that came out after it. But I digress...

We'd both bought the long awaited Soul Calibur IV for our respective consoles, and being Star Wars fans, the fact that three characters that didn't fit in to the Soul Calibur world were appearing in it didn't bother us. However, as we talked, it became apparent that the same thing did bother both of us; it failed to deliver what the previous installments had given. Failed immensely. It disappointed Mat so much that he took it back without a second thought. I only hold onto my copy due to the fact I've been using it to create characters for my book, and have been quite pleased with some of my creations.

But apart from that, it felt weak. After playing Soul Calibur II, I was amazed at how much it had to offer. SC IV has about 5% of the variety that was available on SC II. An arcade mode is standard for fighting games, but story mode was an insane let down. Whereas SC II's story had characters interacting in short but sweet in game cutscenes, IV's interaction in story mode was relegated to a character specific line of dialogue, that unless you knew the story from reading the in-game text in the bonus option or had read about it on the internet, could easily lose you as to why these particular characters were interacting.

As said before, the variety in SC IV was, well, bollocks. There is the aforementioned story and arcade modes, but there is no survival, no extra side quest mode as is becoming a trend of franchise fighting games, instead they try to bring the two together in the Tower Of Lost Souls mode. And fail. Again. It's a dull, uncompelling mode, that only makes you want to complete it to get it done and out the way. The only extreme infuriation it will give you is that though the previous stage in it allowed you to have three characters to fight six computer controlled fighters, the current one allows you one with a singular, non regenerating lifebar to defeat eight fighters. Apart from that mode, there is a character creation mode, a practise mode and a versus mode. And that's your lot.

SC II on the other hand, had an arcade mode (with the storyline cut scenes inserted), a versus mode, survival mode, a team battle mode, practise, and extra version s of these modes, allowing you to choose whatever weapons from the cahracter's arsenal you wanted. Survival also benefited from this extra mode, because it also gained three varieties of survival - standard, no health regeneration and a 1 hit knockout mode. And then we've also got the Weapon Master mode, allowing you to fight several different battles with different requirements to be met. This game didn't just offer you a meal - it offered you a banquet with wine and After Eight mints.

Then there were the characters themselves. I may be biased in my choice of SC II over Iv, simply because in II, my favoured fighter Nightmare is the perfect blend of Siegfried and the previous Nightmare's movelist, and has the greatest costumes from the entire series. Other characters also perform at their best in this installment, with IV only offering a few with improved movesets. And to top it off, every version had a console specific extra character, which would only spark debate over which console had the best version (despite having the Xbox version, I wouldn't mind getting the Gamecube version to see how Link handles...). The only good thing about characters in SC IV beyond the character creation and the Star Wars characters if you enjoy them, was Hilde, who surprised me with being a very good character to play as in my opinion.

To cut this whole rambling rant short, I would choose SC II anyday over the hailed SC IV. Namco, next time, put some more bloody effort into your games like you used to do. And bring back Tekken Ball Mode from Tekken 3 whilst you're at it! Greatest mini game in a fighting game ever!

In All Honesty...

2008-10-11T04:27:00.004+01:00

...am I the only person in the world who thinks the new Amon Amarth isn't all that? That in fact, it's below Fate Of Norns (supposedly their worst - I quite liked it)? And in my opinion, far below? Nothing I've heard on the album really compares to their previous stuff. From the fact they're gracing fuckloads of magazine covers and have got onto loads of charts around the world, I appear to be in a minority. But seriously...what the fuck happened?!?!!? Amon Amarth are one of my favourite metal bands, if not my favourite (despite the fact my last.fm doesn't show this...). And now I feel disappointed and disillusioned with them!

Because I Haven't Had Anything Decent To Write About For Ages...

2008-10-01T05:22:00.004+01:00

I thought I would just go back to doing one of the thing I do best. Making pointless, random lists. Sometimes it's things I should do, things I want to get, or just characters I want to see in a comic together. Sometimes it's neat, and sometimes it's all over the place. Most of the time, it's utter bullshit. So here's some random things about me.

1. Despite being a Marvel man, the first comic book character I ever got into heavily was Batman. I blame it on being bored at a grown up's party whilst I was a kid, and the Batman movie on tv providing my salvation.

2. I can't sleep on the sid eof the bed closest to the wall, due to my first proper girlfriend. Thanks very much!

3. Despite being shy and especially of my geekinessas as teenager in a school that loathed and reviled anyhting that was geeky, I still managed to get up in front of my entire year and give a report on a Star Wars novel. I couldn't manage to get off the stage fast enough.

4. One of the most shocking moments of Episode I for me was when a grown man was pissing himself laughing at EVERYTHING Jar Jar Binks said or did.

5. I arse rape Resident Evil to the extent I bought a Gamecube after the current generation of consoles had come out purely because I wanted to play the remake and Zero. I have a S.T.A.R.S. patch on my denim jacket. I also bought Gaiden on the Game Boy Colour. That alone should show my love for it.

6. I never minded the Ewoks in Return Of The Jedi. For many years it was without a doubt my favourite Star Wars movie.

7. I still love the film Return To Oz with Fairuza Balk.

8. When I was about nine, I asked my aunt if she was still a virgin. In front of my grandmother. My portion of ice cream after dinner that day was noticeably smaller.

9. I love and hold Final Fantasy VIII above all others, even the overly arse fucked VII. Despite never having finished it. Or any other FF for that matter.

10. As a child, we had stairs that had two hard turns. I fell backwards at the top of the stairs, and managed to cling onto the banister a the end of the first turn, leaving me hanging on for fear of snapping my neck, and screaming out as loud as I could for my father to wake up and help me (just me and him, no mother around). He stayed asleep for another hour.

11. Out of all the bands I listened to as a child to a young teenager, the only ones I still listen to are Alice In Chains, New Model Army, Joe Satriani, Ozzy and Alice Cooper.

12. Another father and stairs as a child story. My father had a Nosferatu poster, positioned so that no matter where you moved to, his eyes would follow you. I was scared shitless of it, and knowing this, he put it up at the bottom of the stairs, and stood there laughing whilst I yelled at him to take it down from the top of the stairs. Eventually he threw it away because I refused to go downstairs at all. I now own that poster myself. It's a cool poster.

13. If memory serves correctly, the first time I saw a psychiatrist was over a Gameboy Colour.

14. I liked Ben Reilly. Making me one of the most reviled fans in comics.

15. 'Flying In A Blue Dream' is not only my favouite Joe Satriani album, it's one of my overall favouite albums.

16. I once had two rats, named after Scorpion and Sub-Zero of Mortal Kombat fame, two of the most violent, hard arse bastards in gaming history. My rats were frightened of anything.

17. I only have a large beard because I spent three and a half years drunk and never bothered to shave.

18. As a baby, I used to get sent to sleep to Ozzy Osbourne's 'The Ultimate Sin'.

19. At the highlight of my drinking career, I could consume over fifty lagers and have no problem navigating from one end of town to the other, then to the next town and not vomit or fall over.

20. 'Back In Black' might well be my favourite collection/stage/call it whatever you will of Spider-Man stories. Due in part to the fact I always prefered the black costume.

21. As proof of how sad and worhtless I am, one of my greatest acheivements to date is beating two of my friends 20-0 in a row at Tekken 5 with Kazuya, despite not having played Tekken since number 3 was popular, and not having played with Kazuya for even longer.

I would continue this mindless drivel, but it's six o'clock in the morning and I haven't slept yet.

Because This Quote Made Me Piss Myself...

2008-09-15T03:16:00.002+01:00

NRAMA: Ed, with Uncanny X-Men #500 closing in on us in four months, can you honestly say--with the reappearance of Magneto—that a showdown with the X-Men is not far from occurring?

Matt Fraction: He's got no powers! What the hell kind of a showdown is that?

All new! All different! A group of super-powered thirty-somethings beats the holy hell out of some poor old man—because you demanded it! This senses-shattering expose of violence against senior citizens was so sensational, so scintillating, that only the 500th issue of The Uncanny X-Men could contain it all! Face front, true believers—time to put the boot in to grandpa! Suck it, pops.

One More Day - My Critique. Or, How Much I Hated It.

2008-06-10T01:11:00.002+01:00

It's been a while since Spider-Man - One More Day was published, but whilst going through my comic archives, I came across the issues again and remembered what an arse in the face it was. It was the storyline which fucked it all up. The storyline which effectively destroyed twenty years of Spider-Man history. For anyone who's been living in a cave or just hasn't read Spider-Man for ages, here's the jiffy of it all.

After the events of Civil War, during which Spider-Man unveiled his identity to the world and shortly after became a fugitive, the Kingpin ordered a hit on Peter Parker. The bullet of the contracted sniper missed Parker as he dove to get Mary Jane out of the way, but hit Aunt May instead. He manages to get her to the hospital, under a false identity, and sets out to bring those responsible to justice (leading to the Back In Black storyline, which not only brought the return of the black costume, but provided one of the best Spider-Man sagas in recent history, in my opinion). Despite doing all he can, there is one enemy he cannot defeat - death. Aunt May's condition worsens, and Peter is left to face up to the fact she will die. In desperation, he turns first to Tony Stark, now his enemy, then Doctor Strange who places him in touch with anyone and everyone who may be able to help. Sadly, none can. As despondency kicks in, Peter is confronted by visions of people, among them a little girl (That will be important later on). After conversing with them all, the last one telling him to let go, he is confronted by Mephisto, the Marvel Universe's equivilant of the devil. He tells him that he is the only one who can save May, but in exchange for doing so, he wants Peter and Mary Jane's marriage. In exchange for saving May, he'll erase all the knowledge they ever had of their life together, except for one time part of them that will know something is wrong. Mephisto explains that he will enjoy hearing it scream for eternity. They agree to do so, but Mary Jane throws in one last offer - in exchange for making everyone forget his secret identity, and thereby giving him his life back, she will remember everything. As the change begins, they're confronted by the vision of the little girl, who tells them that thanks to their deal, she is the little girl they will never have. As the clock strikes midnight, everything fades to black, and a brand new day begins.

So, that's the story. And it's a pile of shit. At times, the script feels less as if it were written by J Michael Stracyzki, and more by Joe Quesada, Editor In Chief of Marvel, Penciller of One More Day, and vocal hater of Peter and Mary Jane's marriage. Part of me always imagined Quesada gleefully drawing the panels which destroyed one of the greatest relationships in comics as a horny teenager would over crude home drawn porn. The rest of the problems with this, I will lay out in bullet points, as they are numerous.

1. Peter Parker makes a deal with Mephisto. He's hung around people who've dealt with Mephisto, and been around the Marvel Universe to know what Mephisto's like. Spider-Man has always been a science book. To retcon something this big with magic, is to give the old two fingered salute to all that made the book great.

2. The reasoning for Spider-Man's deal with the devil. His aunt is dying, and she even tells him she just wants to let go, through spiritual contact via Madame Web. Yet Peter goes ahead and makes the deal anyway. Did it not even cross his mind once how she would have felt kn0wing her beloved nephew made a deal with the devil to go against her wishes? And Mephisto is the kind of character, who will go back on his deal, and reveal it to Aunt May, just because he wants some more torment to thrive off of. Imagine her reaction to this. It'd be another triumph for Mephisto, possibly one of his best, as she'd be devasted, and Peter would be guilt ridden beyond belief. Nice work Peter (aka, QUESADA!)

3. Quesada dropped smoking in Marvel Comics, saying that he believes it influences children to smoke, making it look cooler. By the time Quesada came into power, smoking was only ever seen in the more adult titles of Marvel, bar characters such as the Thing (no defense here, I will admit), Nick Fury (a character rarely seen enough to make a presence), and J. Jonah Jameson (who could make anything "uncool" by being tied to it in anyway). However, he came up with the idea of using Mephisto to bargain with Spider-Man. It appears that Joe Quesada is saying smoking is bad, but it's okay to make a deal with the ultimate evil for selfish purposes.

4. When Peter asks Mephisto how the deal will work, and that he doesn't understand, Mephisto merely claims "You don't need to. All you need to understand is that your aunt will live." And Peter just accepts it. I'm sorry, but if you're making a deal with the supreme master of all that is evil, devious and underhanded, aren't you going to make sure you know the ins and outs of it all? Not only that, but Peter is the kind of person who would question and dissect this deal, and if he didn't know everything, he'd back out of it. How he acted is completely out of character.

5. In chapter five, the little girl (who Peter doesn't know is his unborn daughter yet) tells him "You know what your problem is? You're selfish!" She explains with "You're selfish and you're self involved and you always put your pain at the centre of the universe!" In the next chapter, Peter makes the aforementioned, and selfish, deal.

6. To those who begin reading Spider-Man after One More Day, there may not be much difference. But to those who read One More Day, we saw a completely different Peter Parker. Doesn't he remember what happened the last time he acted selfishly? I think the fact that his uncle's death resulted from it would have cropped up somewhere. But nothing. Don't the immortal words, "With great power comes great responsibility" factor into this at all? People who read OMD will remember Parker as a selfish person, ho refused to be the grown up he is, acted like a child when faced with harsh reality, betrayed his aunt's wishes, and gave up an unborn child, his wife and best friend, an entire marriage and the memories of wedded bliss, all to defy the course of nature.

7. What does this mean for the history of Spider-Man? Here's a big one - thanks to this retcon, twenty years of Spider-Man history have now been fucked up and fucked over. Any stories Mary Jane played a pivotal part in, well, we have to assume they either happened differently, or never happened at all. Re-reading Kraven's Last Hunt, the ending seemed sadder than ever, because after clawing his way out from being buried alive, having his name dragged through the mud and being forced to confront Vermin at his most feral, he finds comfort in the arms of Mary Jane. Now according to the new status quo, that ending never happened. Major storylines and plots, such as the aforementioned KLH, his joining the Avengers, Maximum Carnage, House Of M, Back In Black, The Other, and especially, Civil War, Unmasked and the clone saga, are all altered or different. Now that he never unmasked in Civil War, what does that mean the dynamic is between Parker and Tony Stark? And the clone saga - Mary Jane was an integeral part of that. What does that mean for it now? And if the final battle of it still started the same way, does this mean that Ben Reilly, Peter Parker's clone is still alive? After all, the only reason Peter left Ben was that Mary Jane was in the hospital. Did they fight together, and defeat Mendel Stromm and the Green Goblin? What does it mean?!
Not only that, but the black costume - didn't Peter stop wearing it because it frightened Mary Jane, reminding her of Venom? Since she was no longer around then, why did he stop wearing it? If it was to do with the image Venom gave him, he'd never been bothered about that before when Venom cropped up.

Also, here's some irony - One More Day was JMS' last storyline as "writer" (I say writer, because the script has Quesada's fingerprints all over it), and at the end of it, many people were saying how much they loved JMS' tenure on the book. Funny thing is, is that now, none of it ever happened. The Other never took place, as evidenced by the fact Parker's back to relying on mechanical web shooters, instead of the organic ones he accquired at the end of that story. The whole Mary Jane having a stalker and all that arose from it? Gone. Aunt May knowing Peter is Spider-Man, and all that gave us? Gone.

One More Day isn't the first time Quesada fucked up JMS' work on Spider-Man - the "Sins Past" storyline. Originally, it was going to be revealed Gwen had children by Peter, yet they had been kept secret because, well, how would Peter have reacted to being a dad? Quesada hated this, saying it would age the character (he hated the marriage for that too), and demanded it be changed, which led to the children being Norman Osborn's. This makes no sense, as there was never any attraction between them, and left a lot of people confused. Once again, good work Quesada.

When Parker revealed his identity, Marvel said they wouldn't change it. It turned out to be a lie. It appears Joe Quesada has merely abused his power to destroy a marriage he hated, whilst others, and myself from the age of seven onwards, enjoyed and thought brought real strength and humanity to the character. He can claim it was for the best all he likes, but the slumping sales of Amazing Spider-Man say otherwise.

What The? Raving Ninjas?

2008-05-29T18:03:00.004+01:00

They say Hammer Horror is back. Usually, this would be a cause for celebration, because Hammer films always had memorable or cheesey (more often than not both) plots and busty ladies who looked a lot classier that the women we see in today's horror films, who generally to me, appear either sluttish, too bloody dumb to survive sharpening a pencil or adhering to the whole thin and gaunt is beautiful idea a bit too bloody much. But the new film, Beyond The Rave? Huh. I mean...Raves run by Vampires? Uhhh...guys, that's more than likely been done before. Not only that, but Hammer never really cowed down to having to appeal to something others might see as cool. So I wasn't expecting much when I discovered the premise, and I glanced over the plot, which was weak, even by Hammer's standards. But now, they're putting up adverts for the latest installment (oh, and bad idea to release it in parts on myspace, and it says something about Nikolai, the last immortal gothic ninja. Which makes it even more piss poor. Gothic ninjas. Was this thought up by some idiot pubescent? What makes it worse on top of that, is that I never saw a mention of this in the plot before this installment was released, so it appears to be just something they threw in randomly instead of sticking to the overall vision.

Nice work. Imbeciles.

What? How Can I Be Pleased And Outraged At The Same Time?!?!?

2008-05-29T12:39:00.002+01:00

So, none of the original characters died in Legacy Of The Force. Well...knackers. Sooner or later, they will have to die!

And now Jacen Solo is dead. Even though we all knew it was going to happen, there goes all possible stories of a character that I felt wasn't used enough on his own. Someone who could have quite possibly been the most powerful Jedi.

Knackers I say again.

More Marvel Madness...

2008-05-28T18:40:00.004+01:00

I took the liberty of going into Forbidden Planet the other day, after going in there and purchasing an awesome looking Thor figure (which I may show here later), but this time I was looking through the hardback graphic novels, and noticed some alike to the Spider-Man - Kraven's Last Hunt one I picked up two christmases ago. I ended up buying them both, along with the first hardback collection of J. Michael Straczynski's run on Thor, which is insanely awesome. I rarely purchase hardbacks, and I wasn't intending to pick up any others than the Premiere Classics, but...damn, Thor is good.

Ain't they awesome? The Wolverine mini series reprint was kind of disappointing...as all it contains is a foreword by Claremont, explaining how he and Frank Miller came up with the idea behind it. Yeah, slightly insightful, but kind of blah compared to what it could have had. Fortunately, there's no such slack with X-Men; God Loves, Man Kills, which coincidentally was also written by Claremont. However, as well as the foreword, it follows in the footsteps of Kraven's Last Hunt. Whilst KLH had the foreword, covers, original pencils for the covers and panels, GLMK beats that. It includes interviews with the writer and artist, detailing their thoughts on the book and how they came to write it, giving even deeper insights than the foreword alone. Not only that, but it also includes the seven pages Neal Adams (who drew one of my favourite renditions of Batman ever) pencilled before dropping the project. I didn't even know he was originally attached to the project until I read the extras. I might end up writing something of my own personal thoughts on these tales later (especially Kraven's Last Hunt), but for now, content yourself with the picture.

Oh, and the Thor one came with a decent cover collection, including variant covers. But seriously, that Marvel Zombies craze went mad. There's still doing zombie variant covers today!

From A Betrayal To Becoming Invincible...The Legacy Ends Here...

2008-05-28T16:36:00.004+01:00

The last book in the Legacy Of The Force series, Invincible is here. Annoyingly, those who would prefer to purchase the paperback version, will have to wait till December. All those who want to read the end now, will have to make do with shoving an oversized hardback with their paperback collection. Or you could just do what I did and get hold of the audiobook.

I know one character that dies - although it was bleeding obvious, so I just have to wait and see...who will die? Luke, Leia, or Han? Sod knows. Yet.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Drinking Game

2008-03-25T03:18:00.002Z

You will need the following;
A Schwarzenegger movie
An alcoholic drink
A shit load of shots
A strong stomach
The aim of the game is to get severely twatted!

**************************

************************
RULES:

• Arnie says a one liner = 1 finger of your drink

• Arnie shows a bicep = 2 fingers of your drink

• Arnie kills someone = do a shot

• Multiple Arnie's* = do 2 shots

• There is an explosion or explosions∆ = down the rest of your drink - the last to finish must do a shot.

• Arnie says "I'll be back!" = down a Jagerbomb!†
(or as a substitute drop a shot into your drink and down it).

**************************************************

* Multiple Arnie rule applies whenever he and his clone, other self, hologram, TV picture, mirror image or photograph are on screen at the same time as he is.

∆ If less than 30 seconds passes between explosions then it is part of the same sequence. If more than 30 seconds has passed and there is another explosion it is a new sequence and the action should be repeated.

† Jagerbomb = drop a shot of Jagermeister into RedBull

**************************************************

WARNING! - This game will fuck you up especially as the kills seem to happen more than one at a time and are usually accompanied by an explosion or two and then a one liner. The score of the film shows the difficulty level of the game (10 being the hardest and 1 being the easiest).

Commando - 10
The Terminator - 10 (The police station scene)
Predator - 9
Running Man -8
Conan (All) - 7 (Constant biceps)
Red Sonja - 7
Raw Deal - 7
True Lies - 6
Total Recall - 6
Eraser - 6
The 6th Day - 6
Terminator 3 - 5
Red Heat - 4
Collateral Damage - 4
End of Days - 4
Terminator 2 - 4 ("I swear I will not kill anyone!")
Pumping Iron - 4
Last Action Hero - 3
Kindergarten Cop - 2
Hercules in New York - 2
Twins - 1
__________________________________________________
THE COHAGEN GAME (TOTAL RECALL)

This is not as messy as the Arnie game but still fun.
Rules:
While watching Total Recall you must do a shot every time someone in the film says Cohagen.

An Update Sir? Yes Sir!

2008-03-25T00:17:00.011Z

The only problem with having a blog, is updating it. I haven't had anything to say recently that warrants an updating of this, so bar the quick Resident Evil parody video, February and March have almost completely escaped. However, March is not getting away with nothing. My birthday passed by with almost no sense of it being a day of significance. That's what happens when you have no contact with most of your family (but I like it that way), and all your close friends have now either gone away for good or they've changed and don't want to know. I boosted up my Arnold Schwarzenegger collection, finally getting hold of Raw Deal and securing myself a rather lovely copy of Conan The Barbarian - The Definitive Edition, which comes in a rather dashing steelbook. I swear I've now become addicted to steelbooks, because anytime something I'm after comes out in a steelbook, I always plump for that version instead. Bioshock, Devil May Cry 4, Perfect Dark Zero (more purchased through complete boredom and wanting something new to play), Conan...although I was infuriated to see that no other Arnold films had been given the steelbook treatment, yet the Daredevil film, which took Frank Miller's seminal and classic run, laid out the foulest shit they could on the whole thing, tried to throw in the sex appeal, and released it to an audience made up of people who knew of it from the song that got Evanescence to the big leagues, and a collection of comic book fans going "...what the fuck was that?!" The only good thing I can say is that it wasn't another Batman And Robin. Also, I picked up two new games, Devil May Cry 4 and Virtua Fighter 5, and The Star Wars Archive boxset. Which is pretty damn good, it's filled with loads of little things, like the original draft of Empire Strikes Back, that make it seem like a fanatic's heaven. But several of the bloody things are so delicately held in place and the like, I've only opened it up three times for fear of destroying the things inside. Oh, and it comes with Carrie Fisher's soul destroying song about peace and harmony. Man, they must hate themselves for making that holiday special. If I can find it, I'll put it up here.Apart from that, nothing much else has happened, had a bare knuckle boxing fight, got a black eye from that, went to March's Blasphemy Night, which was fucking killer. I've also had two mates telling me I can get a lady. Hmmm...go bollocks. And I'm about to apply for another soul destroying (though not as much as Carrie Fisher's singing) job, and my social sciences course is going as shit as ever.

I leave you with this. If Sega had released this advert outside of Japan, maybe the Saturn would have lasted longer.

Run Forest Run!

2008-02-18T19:01:00.001Z

I Don't Bloody Well Care If Oblivion's Coming Mr. Stewart! Sod You And Your Bastard Love Child!

2008-01-29T17:51:00.000Z

I've tried. I really have tried. But Oblivion really just fucks me off. I get sent on some quest, to find a bastard son that can save the world or something. Right. So I'm supposed to care after you've kept me locked in a dungeon for ages. And when it gets dark, I can't see what the fuck is attacking me. And no one helps out on the side quests, those horrible cunts. And I nicked a plate and a horse without realising. I tok the horse, because no way am I fucking run across this long arse map just to tell some git monk he's really the son of the dead Emperor. A wolf jumps me from nowhere, so I rush valiantly to my horse's aid. While twatting the wolf one, I accidentally twat the horse one, so they both start twatting me. Had to kill the horse. And then I got really fucked off when I realised I still had fucking ages to go. And then when I arrive at the next town, they're happy to see me until I talk to them, then they charge me with high treason or something because I nicked a plate and a horse. They tell me to give the things back, but there's no option to say "Look mate, I'd give the horse back, but the fucker started attacking me while I was trying to protect him, so I can give you some tasty horse chops instead?". After legging it, more bloody knights send me off to fight their fucking battle for them. Excuse me? First off I'm your worst enemy, now I'm your savior because your too busy standing around trying to grow roots?!

At least it's better than Tenchu Z.

Snake? What's Wrong? Snake? SNAAAKE!!!!!!!!

2008-01-28T23:20:00.000Z

The other day, I was looking for a game in my collection to entertain me again, or continue to if I hadn't completed it. Looking through, I saw my Gamecube collection, I came across Metal Gear Solid; The Twin Snakes. I decided to give it another whirl and relive the glory. As I dusted off the 'cube and powered up the wee little thing, my mind became flooded. Imagine a young man, in a hospital bed, falling away from life because he has lost hope. Nothing in this world he has experienced can give him the strength he needs to fight on. And then suddenly...hope comes enclosed within two eight centimetre discs. A tale of love, of war, of being the person you want to be from the person you were, a story of hope. The tale that invigorated and breathed new life into the young man, and gave him hope, something he had not felt for a long time. With determination, and a strengthened resolve, he fought back to regain a life rightfully his.

That young man isn't me, but I'm sure there's been someone like that somewhere.

Anyway, Metal Gear Solid - The Twin Snakes, bloody good game, best Metal Gear Solid in my opinion. All those who have a 'cube or a Wii, go buy it. I don't care if it doesn't sound like your cup of tea, or you played the others and hated them. Go buy them and make me feel great. Now!

These Lands...

2008-01-28T15:17:00.000Z

It never fails to garner a reaction from me when you look beyond the surface. To believe that we are not multi-faceted beings, is to believe in fools. To live with blinders on, to believe there is only one universal vision and answer to all that life holds and bears, that is what we have become. Any who deviate, and speak the words others refuse to elevate from a whimpering in their mind to the status of their own voice, are the ones considered failing in judgement and, in some cases, sanity. Any who long for even a sense of the old ways of life are hoping in vain, for we have become such a deviation of our own, where fear rules the streets with a vice grip, and the payment for your own respect is life. The streets are littered with many who wear their identities on their bodies - those who uniform themselves so as to scream to others to bow down and show them a respect they have not earnt, those who preach against conformity while adhering to appearances and beyond that has become universal amongst their kind, and those who simply do not know what to make of the world these days. There is no such thing as being able to blend in these days, for even by taking a form which others follow, they will know who you are, and take no time in attempting to make you either submit to their will, or prove your dominance. The only community spirit these days is one where you don't raise a hand to help the neighbour assaulted on their doorstep, yet when the law raises it's head, you fall in and berate the ones you did nothing to stop. The government reaches out to those who would do harm to anyone, even unto others such as they, and they recieve nothing but snide remarks and intensified ridicule and resentment.

Oh, how I love this world these days. Someone hurry up and get it back under control.

Oh, The Joys Of Editing The News...

2008-01-28T00:47:00.000Z

When I found out Heath Ledger was dead, I decided to check it out on wikipedia, partly because even though it can be edited by anyone, someone would have put something up. And the fact that I was on wikipedia anyway. However, I did say that people can edit wikipedia, and this was no exception. The page kept changed, from being naked in Mary Kate Olsen's apartment, to having a twelve inch dildo rammed right up his arsehole. Maybe someone had some weird fantasy of Heath Ledger, Mary Kate Olsen and a twelve inch dildo...

Annoyance Unto Me!

2008-01-28T00:23:00.000Z

Stupid bloody google mail. Thanks blogger for denying me access to my own blog through stupidity.
Anyway, to recap quickly since I was last on here, seen bands since I was last on here, Anchorhead - Star Wars metal, in full Stormtrooper regalia. Very good, worth checking out if you like Star Wars and metal. Ten Masked Men - metal covers of classic cheesey pop songs. Enough has been said. Saw Dionne's band, Impergium, very good very good. Tried putting her off by fondling my breasts whilst Matt did the same. Nearly worked. Some other band supporting them, alright, not great, maybe it was the sound system, dark redheaded female vocalist, oh yes. Christmas - dull, except better presents, Xbox 360 and a plethora of games, meal at Ad's house, ended up agreeing to proof read his sister's novel. Regret decision upon discovery of size of first four chapters. Coming closer to doing my social sciences course. Shitting it. Starting to think that a good friend of mine is wishing to cut off contact for good. And this, well, it simply will not do!

And that's about it!

More Hilarity Ensues!

2007-12-04T22:35:00.000Z

I Woke Up This Morning...

2007-12-03T16:07:00.000Z

And realised I was still in the same place and situations as when I fell asleep.

Bollocks.

From Childhood To Adolescence...

2007-12-03T00:04:00.000Z

Computer games have always been a part of my life, ever since my aunt gave me her Mega Drive console when I was but a nipper. After reading through yet another greatest games of all time list, and also shaking my head while smiling at the sheer childishness of some comments, I ended up thinking of not the top ten games in my opinion, but ten games that hold memories for me, as well as some that just stand out to me. So, in no particular order, let the games begin! (It had to be said.)

1. Resident Evil 2

Resident Evil 4 may be the one that everyone loves and arsefucks these days, but for me, Leon Kennedy's first mission is still etched in memory and my heart. A completely unexpected purchase (my dad just happened to buy it for me), I remember whacking it on, and being hooked despite being crap. From the stupidity of Robert Kendo, locking a door to keep zombies outside when there's a floor to ceiling unguarded window next to him, to the still crap acting (waving hands and pauses between dialogue anyone?), this game was a certified classic. It also included an enemy only seen elsewhere in RE Games which lack compared to the main ones - the Licker. Fucking cunt and no mistake. Memorable enemies, crap acting, great fmvs, beefed up weapons and a great soundtrack (which I actually have). What's not to love?

2. Knights Of The Old Republic

This game is one of the few that really, really made me feel I needed it before it even came out. Up until then, Star Wars games of the recent few years had been lackluster affairs that never captured the essence of the films. Then a bloody good RPG maker who appear to be big fanboys of the whole saga come along and deliver this little slice of fried gold. With visuals as beautiful as winter sun on snow laden fields, this game made you want to step into the worlds and look at the gorgeousness of it all, accompanied by a soundtrack that felt like it had been taken from the films themselves (another soundtrack I own, I might add). It also gave you the ability to be as good or as bad as you wanted. Defend the mother and her children from crimelords, or help the crimelords by blowing up the kids and smacking the mum about with a lightsaber? I never regretted trading five games in for it, nor the days I claimed sick to rag it like someone's only chance to ever have sex.

3. Sonic The Hedgehog 2

Ahhh, the games of youth. Although the first one put that spikey blue hedgehog on the map, this one added greater elements, greater looking levels, and greater boss battles. Who could fault the music of Dr. Robotnik, or that sodding metal Sonic at the end? And the special stage. The first Sonic's special stage was so infuriating it became a classic in it's own right, but the introduction of two player in the sequel meant you could laugh as your mate got twatted into submission by black and red discs. Memories that will stay cherished till I'm senile. This game always invokes a remembrance of innocence in me, when the latest worry wasn't how to ask that person out or find a job - it was how to manage to keep playing the game for longer. Even if it meant brushing your teeth, weeing and playing Mega Drive all at the same time.

4. Tekken 3

I had played the other Tekken games on the Playstation, so I was expecting to play this one until I had everything and then maybe pick it up once or twice afterwards. How wrong I was. To this day, I still wish my copy hadn't fucked up so I could still have a few bouts on it. With new characters, updated looks and smoother gameplay, this still stands as a pinnacle of gaming. I even caught my aunt having a go, and showed her the move where you kick people in the bollocks. Guess what became her favourite move to use on me. But the fondest memory I have of this game, is me and my old mate on the numerous occasions we'd stumble back from the pub pissed as fuck, digging out the playstation one, and playing Tekken 3 as the same characters for five hours straight. Class days they were, class days.

5. Severance - Blade Of Darkness

You'll find the only two PC only games that I ever really got into are right here on this list. Severance was a game my aunt's boyfriend at the time showed me, and I'm bloody well glad he did. An underrated classic. this game is set in a fantasy world, where you can choose one of four characters, each with their own full length story. Four games in one? Already sounds a winner. Dwarf..no....adventurer...no...knight...hmm, ma-ahhh...barbarian. Fucking quality. What followed was a game that really had a charm unto it's own. Sneak up onto a camp of orcs. Backhand slash one's head off, and beat his mates to death with it. This game forever stays dear to me, for the feel it gave off - it was like playing modern day Tolkien. With numerous decapitations.

6. Streets Of Rage II

Another return to the games of my youth. I remember being at the library, looking through the games to find one to rent. And this one really caught my eye. I don't know what it was, I just thought it would be a good choice. Years later, I still have that rental copy, complete with rental sticker attached. I loved it so much, I was damned if I was going to return it. The game offered such delight for such a common premise of games in those days. Instead of just punching the enemy until he fell, you could punch them, then grab them, knee them in the face, flip over their back, and fling them behind you. Sheer class. I still play it to this day, and it still infuriates and excites me, still has the power to get my adrenaline pumping. Now that's staying power. I also remember this game because my own friend at my nan's would come over, and we'd play this religiously. We sucked, but that didn't matter.

7. Final Fantasy VIII

Everyone says that Final Fantasy VII is the undisputed classic, hands down, cock up. It was good, but it still lacked something for me. Then I get hold of number eight, and find what I've been looking for. An eye candy of a video pulls me in, accompanied by a haunting and powerful musical score (note to self - get hold of the soundtrack). Then the game comes in fully, and I'm rewarded by the game before I even finish the first disc. Interesting characters, amazing beasts, gorgeous fmvs and a plot so intriguing it could have been lifted from a novel. One which I would wholeheartedly bone. This game doesn't hold memories - it is more that the game, in every aspect, has stayed close to my heart.

8. American McGee's Alice

This is one game that defines the word underrated. Another pc game, this is also another influence from my aunt. I first caught her playing the game, and it looked interesting. It was also the cause for us missing many a different occasion, due to her being crap at some parts for a significant amount of time. Then I picked up the game and fell in love myself. This ain't your daddy's Alice In Wonderland. Nor is it your grandaddy's. Rather, it is a bizarre and far more twisted version of Alice, where her family has died in a fire, she is locked up in a mental institute, and is called back to Wonderland to fuck up the Red Queen once and for all. She's a dark red headed, boot and corset wearing hard bitch this Alice. And when you reach Wonderland, it is a place that is generally so fucked up, you're glad you aren't there. A chilling musical score complements the game perfectly, to moments like walking through Wonderland's insane aslyum, full of messed up kids. The Cat is back too, and looks so mangy and messed up. Perfect for the game. The memory I have most of this, is when everyone was either out at the prom or down the pub. And I was there, on my own, with only a copy of Alice to keep me company. And I fucking loved it. Should anyone read this, buy American McGee's Alice. You will not be dissapointed. And if I ever get a dark red headed girlfriend who likes to dress up as Alice...my fantasies are fufilled. Well. One of them.

9. World Of Illusion

A Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck game. Anyone who knows me would be shocked at it's inclusion. In fact, he doesn't have any of the qualities of the previous games (except for being...well, kooky, for lack of a better word), but it does have memories attached. This was the only game me and my father ever played together. We'd co-ordinate our attacks, save the other one's skin, and really work together on it. We spent a lot of time playing that game. I think it was the most time we ever spent bonding. And I'm not the only one to remember this. Amongst one other, my friend Adam was going through my Mega Drive games, and was surprised and delighted to see this game there. We've still yet to play through it together. Give it time though.

10. Resident Evil (Remake)/Silent Hill 2

Okay, yes, I know these games aren't related bar the horror factor, and there have been discussions over which series is better, but they come together here for one thing - giving me the fucking willies at my age. Both look insanely amazing, and will do for years to come I imagine, but that's only part of it. In Silent Hill 2, the enemies are so messed up looking, you find it hard to tell what the fuck they are. The second you get your gun, you're fucking well chuffed mate. The remake of Resident Evil features the same familiar enemies, plus the Crimson Heads. The fucking Crimson Heads. A zombie with claws that can run. All because you didn't burn the last one you killed. Huzzah. Plus, the storylines - anyone who's played the first Resident Evil know who's a naughty bastard - but it's still great. Silent Hill 2 is a game which gives you the minimal story at the beginning, yet every revealation leaves you wanting more. And they both have recurring enemies, and amazing ones at that. SE2 - Pyramid Head. And a massive, MASSIVE knife. Pretty much a sword. And Lisa Trevor for RE, the deformed girl with her hands in stocks, legs in chains and her mother's face sewn onto her back. Nutter. Only complaint about RE's remake is they took out the "Jill Sandwich" line.
This games are clsoe to me, because they're some of the first games I bought with money I'd properly earnt myself. Well, the second copy of SE2 I'd bought.

So, there you have it. It took ages (not helped by a keyboard with dying batteries), but there. All done now. A few classics in my life.

And piss on anyone who says Snes was better than Mega Drive.

Raining Pillows

2007-12-02T01:51:00.000Z

I have just seen a pillow riot at a Slayer gig. Fucking classic.

"You guys are ruining it for yourselves!"

Forfeiting A Land Of Hope And Glory For A God To Save Our Queen

2007-12-02T00:24:00.000Z

Does anyone else think that our national anthem is wrong? 'God Save The Queen' (Or King, depending on who's ruling) is not the song our country should be singing. It is not a song that inspires patriotism. In fact, the only people who really go for it whilst singing are football supporters. And what does that say about our country? "Yes, we're a bunch of fucking yobs who view a pint and a fight as a great British night. You can't get more civillised than nutting some cunt." I do not feel inspired by our anthem, as it gives me no pride in our country. 'Land Of Hope And Glory' would be far more suited. It is something everyone can feel for, for everyone that lives in a land of hope and glory. Something that people could truly unite over. Either that, or use Forefather's 'When Our England Died', mainly for the last line "...the day when our England's revived."

And it's a fucking class song.

Obi Wan Kenobi - A Paedophile?

2007-11-30T17:14:00.000Z

The guy keeps on talking about the younglings in Episode III, with a trembling voice and sadness in his eyes. Very close to them was he? Plus, the longing look he gives the baby Luke Skywalker? And what was going on in his head as he was watching his aunt and uncle take custody of him? Episode II - Instead of waiting for Yoda's class to be over to talk to him, barges right in amongst all the younglings! Plus, the fact that the old paedo guy was Obi Wan in the Star Wars episode of Family Guy. Okay, that proves nothing, but it has relevance. But still, this is something to think on!

Heroin Culture - The Press Destroys The Future

2007-11-30T15:10:00.000Z

Well it does in a sense, doesn't it? I mean, the amount of bloody times I saw that fucking smackhead Pete Doherty and Kate Moss in the papers while working, it's unbelievable! The newspapers went along the lines of this "Pete Doherty Does Some MORE FUCKING HEROIN! Full Report Pages Two To Ten", followed by "Reports From Our Soldiers Fighting For A Moment Of Peace - A Column On Page Twelve" and the like. No wonder all the youth of today wants to do nothing but drugs and mug people - it's gets them into the spotlight far more than anything of worth. You see reports of how gangs rule estates through "a rule of terror", suddenly there'll be a new gang inspired by that to carve out a piece of territory for themselves. The press are helping to destroy the future of this country. I'm wondering how long it'll be before I start feeling no pride in calling this my country anymore.

Whilst on the subject of the media, I'd like to touch upon another subject relating to it - Madeline McCann. Now, what I'm about to type here will probably piss someone off, but fine, whatever. I've got my points to make. Besides, I think it's sad what's happened to her, but the parents are greedy attention loving wankers. Everyday, several children go missing, and you hear nothing of it. No reports on the televisual news, maybe the briefest of mentions in the printed press, but after that, no follow up until someone is caught, and apart from that, pretty much bugger all. So, why is it that that one photo of Madeline kept on appearing on the papers for ages, battling with Pete Doherty for space? Here's one reason - The parents are well off. They've got bloody good jobs as doctors, hence a lot of serious money, so they could afford to pay for serious attention. The second they kick up a fuss, aided along by their money, everyone's heart turns to sorrow at the thought of "My god! A little girl's been kidnapped! Oh dear, this is terrible!" and acts like it's never ever happened before. People may disagree with my statement on their attention seeking purely on the grounds they hid their faces in most photos taken by the press. I say bollocks. They even said themselves "We want to keep Madeline in the hearts and minds of the people" (not a direct quote). How best to do that? Keep her name in the papers. And the got to meet the fucking Pope. How many other parents whose children go missing get to meet the bloody Pope? Hmm? Most of them end up left alone with their sorrow, while you swan about getting all the attention.

Rant over. For now.

Right, New Blog, Here We Ruddy Well Go.

2007-11-30T14:57:00.000Z

So I ended up making a new online journal type, because I'm a sad arse bastard who is defiantly fighting off the throes of boredom like stereotypical fat kids fight off healthy things in any shape and form. However, unlike my previous online thing, this will not be an endless collection of "Fuck me, life is shit! And there's someone that I love but they're not mine my darling my love, my love, my love, right time for a bit of Lilt Bottle Rodgering"! No, I will try my best to fill this with statements that are factual, intellectual...and complete bollocks. Mostly the latter.